You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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