i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
