Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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