She is in my trunk
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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