have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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