Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize