Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize