someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
