Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
and you fell through a lawn chair
A+ Viking dick
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
