I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
