My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
