how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's shark week go big or go home
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
