For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
