i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
