He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
