apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
