Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
