From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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