I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
