I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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