so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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