maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
