she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
