he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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