he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
