I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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