how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
