He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
