PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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