i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
