My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
