i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
