Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
love makes seman taste better
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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