Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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