Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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