I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
BRING THE BAGELS
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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