Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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