biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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