Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
