My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
