I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
