i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
