she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
