Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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