It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
