he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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