The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
