You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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