Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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