I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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