so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
