I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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