Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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