420 ftw
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
