god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Randomize
