he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize