I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
