I love black thongs
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
