Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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