i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
