taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
