how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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