I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
