I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
