So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
